I am Adam

I'm listening to Mum right now - the music of dreams, it seems. Check them out sometime when you have a while to be by yourself - someplace devoid of distractions. A lakeside, an overlook. Somewhere - but make sure it is quiet and in view of something beautiful. Then put on their album "Finally We Are No One". Sit back, and dream.

So the other day I decided after two beers that I wanted to try weed. It was something I had been thinking about trying for quite a while, but never enough to seek it out. So when it happened to arise on the couch next to me at my friend's apartment, I asked if I could join. I can't ask you to not think less of me, as it is definitely something I don't condone. And after the other night, it is most assuredly something I hope you never try.

Let me start by saying this: last Sunday night was the most mentally and physically terrifying night of my life. So as I stated previously, earlier in the night I had had two beers, which I thought had left my system entirely by the time we got back to the apartment. I discovered later that although the effects of alcohol may wear off, it is still very much present in your system after the feeling subsides. So my friend smokes extremely potent weed (this I found out later), which friends from work later said was the strongest pot they had ever had (quite a statement coming from people who have smoked for most of their lives). I was unaware of this fact when I partook, about eight times in fact, of the joint.

I felt nothing at first until suddenly I turned towards Adam and watched his mouth form words that I was either unable to hear or understand. The moisture in my mouth disappeared, but it was too late to get water. My body felt as if it were seperating atom by atom as my mind floated around the space where I had once been sitting. I could not move, I could not form words, I could not process what was before my eyes. I have no idea how long I sat there - based on a friend's account it was only about an hour before I fell asleep, but for all I knew I had entered enternity - my body tumbling and rolling uncontrollably across itself. I watched thoughts flash across my open eyes like fast-forwarded movie credits or the blinking lights of a ferris wheel. I tried to think about something, but before I could focus another thought had flashed before me - scrolling ever downward across my eyes and through my body. My heart must've made an audible hum as it beat what felt like a thousand times every minute. The only thought I recall being conscious of was my feeble pray for God to make it stop - return my body and my mind back to themselves.

Give me movement - give me air - give me thoughts - give me feeling - give me myself.

I tried to lay down and fall asleep, but each attempt was quickly upset by violent vomitting, which by no means altered or made subside whatever state I had thrust myself into. I must've thrown up ten or more times, my head lying in the trash can after each violent battle with my own body and mind.

I had no concept of beginning or end - the only thing I was aware of was excruciating pain - both mental and physical, and my fear that it would never end. I lost the capacity to remember the basic facts that remind us of our own existence in the world: Samuel Slaton, 19 years old, New York City - name, age, location. I lost myself as I sat perched over the trash can, sweat pouring from my face, tears streaming from my eyes, vomit coursing from my mouth and nose. The last thing I remember before waking up the next morning was someone pulling me back onto the couch and laying my head on a pillow.

I've always desired experiences - adventure, people, life, etc - all the things that inspire books, songs, and poetry. Last Sunday night I subjected myself to a hell I never imagined I would enter. I understand now what people mean when they say that one must face the Devil in order to fully appreciate God.

I am Adam, and I am sorry.

In the Dust of My Rabbi

Where'd the lights go?

I was just thinking about how I wish I could simply be reborn, and I know that as a Christian, I have been - but I wish my notions of life and living could simply be wiped away. Race would be a foreign word, lies would be defined only by those past judgements I passed on people, love would be the only thing I'd understand. I'd do all I could to comfort the crying and warm the cold - I wouldn't understand complacency. Turning a deaf ear would be inconceivable. The only semblance of an ego I'd hold would be the shadow following my steps. I wouldn't wear these damn jeans.

Where'd the water flow?

I'd never want more than I needed - what would I do with all that extra baggage? What about those souls dying in their clothes wishing at most to make it through the cold night? Their dirty fingernails scraping up money to buy whatever they trust to make them survive - bread, cigarettes, fruit, liquor, coffee. Teeth falling out - unable to speak a word, they just shake their hands and rattle their cups.

When did the dust of the Rabbi get blown away in the wind of this life?

I'd curse gold - deny the richest jewels. I'd understand the sinkhole of lust, the torturous river of envy, the drizzle of complacency - I'd show contempt for every bit of evil working to rob me of my birthright. I'd fight beyond death for my Father's honor and name.

When did mirrors become so important?

I'd be naked and free - I would have no figure, no self to glorify, no canvas upon which I'd paint the virtue of the week. There would be no billboard to advertise my interests, no commercials for what I previously thought important.

The light ahead would simply cause a shadow to fall softly behind my bare feet as I walked in the dust of my Rabbi.

Beyul Pemako

Today I realized that my diet consists almost entirely of oatmeal for breakfast, pizza for lunch, and red beans & rice for dinner (with a cigarette before and after each meal). For all you bums out there in New York City who beg for my change, I know every single one of you knows about Zatarans Red Beans & Rice. For $1.69 you can feed four normal people (assuming you can procure a pot in which to boil water on your hobofires.) That said, you people do not need my money. First of all, you're just going to buy cheap box wine with it and second of all, if you're not going to do that you don't need a handful of Washingtons to live on. You need two Washingtons to feed yourself four meals - you even get change back (upwards of a full quarter, depending on your area grocery store).

The above is entirely unrelated to the real subject matter of this post, but definitely something to take to heart if you ever find yourself short on cash and in need of food. I also hear there's some killer dumpster diving behind Dean & Deluca on Prince and Broadway - just so you know.

So it's late and I should go to bed soon, but I figure it would be inconsiderate of me to not relate the body of this posting to the title (it is neither avant-garde nor hip to fashion entirely unrelated titles for works of creativity - it's an irritating attempt to be artsy and obscure).

On to my main point - I am currently reading this book entitled The Heart of the World by Ian Baker. It's a factual account of Baker's National Geographic funded expedition to be the first to reach and explore the Beyul Pemako region of the Tsangpo River, which curls throughout some of the most torturous, dangerous, and mystic regions of Tibet. Pemako is said to be the origin of the Tibetan legend of Shangri-La, an earthly Buddhist paradise where one can easily achieve enlightenment. It is the most secret and sacred of all Beyul, or hidden-lands, and until recently had never been discovered (aside from Padmasambhava, a highly revered Buddhist monk who wrote of the region 1,000 years ago and left clues to its existence in remote caves throughout Tibet). Beyul Pemako roughly means "The Hidden Land Shaped Like a Lotus" and is said to be home to magical plants and dieties - a place of eternal bliss - paradise on Earth.

I've only read about a quarter of it so far and, needless to say, from page one I was and remain incredibly intrigued. Imagine venturing out to discover one of the last unexplored regions on the entire planet. Waterfalls, snakes, cliffs, mystical scrolls, flowers, legends, mountains, rivers, paradise. I feel immediately drawn to Tibet and have begun thinking of ways by which I could get there and when I could leave. I know it will be a while before I can actually make the journey, but there is something so deeply pure and wild about this place that I literally feel like I must go. I cannot leave this world without having experienced Beyul Pemako.