Heat and Noise and Destinations

"Oh, God, it hurts so bad to love anybody down here..." Waterdeep

I have no idea what love is - I don't know if I'm just immature, young, or blinded by ideals - but I do know I don't get it.

I know what I think love should be, what I want love to look like, what I hope love is - but - I feel ridiculous even writing about "love" - it's like writing a paper in Spanish about quantum theory. I don't know what words to use, and even if I did, I don't know what I'd be writing about.

My chest has that earnest thumping in it like something important is trying to be said, but I have no idea what it is or what it means. I just tell it that a cigarette will help, but all it does is exposes me to the rain and cold and smoke and ash.

I should feel blessed to have that deep rumbling of wanting to love - there are people out there whose hearts are too cold to love anyone - I guess I should at least be glad that I have the desire to love and be loved - to know a person and be known.

I'm 19 - what am I talking about? I'm just trying to sound mature and wise beyond my years. I don't know what I need in my life, other than to simply let God do His will.

But I like to be in control of my life, so therein lies the challenge.

It's hard for me to let things happen - I feel like if I'm not 100% in control I'll be dragged helplessly along. I need that medium.

Music is love for people like me. I get to experience everything I think love should be without the hurt, the sacrifice, the intimacy. Easy.

This is another one of those things that I don't know if I should post because I may come off as a jackass, a selfish jerk, or an "emo" kid.

Whatever - it's a homework break.

Just let it happen.

back to the basics.

carry on

"people are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous"

"so beautiful, to be here, and alive"

desire is a good thing - it seems to fuel the heart and drive the dreams.

An engine can get you places, but it's gotta put out heat and noise - burns and pounding ear drums - but it gets you there.

It gets you there.